The first article I read was "Why rejection hurts so much" by Guy Winch. I found it fascinating that the hurt of rejection dated back to the time of the hunter gather age. I always thought that the hurt of rejection was a more modernised thing with the introduction of social media in recent years. The people who hurt more from the fear of rejection were more likely to change their behaviour to remain in the tribe and this gene would be passed along. I think it's crazy to think that this is might be why people today hurt so much from rejection.
I think for a lot of people including myself after getting rejected, I am fond of an "exhaustive search" of what I was lacking in an effort to find out why something didn't work out. I agree with the article that it is okay to review things but don't become so self critical to the point where you are saying something like "I can't do anything". I also think by trying to figure out what you lacked is very "misleading" like the article says because at the end of the day unless you ask the person who disliked your photo on Facebook, "why did you dislike my photo?", there is a good chance that even the answer they give you might not be the truth or be the one you are looking for. This is why there is no point in searching for a lost cause which is only going to make you more angry and sad when you don't get an answer that satisfies you anyway.
I am also a big believer in "Reviving Your Self-Worth" like stated in the article after receiving a rejection. I personally have never tried writing a paragraph about a good quality I have after a rejection but I would be willing to give it a try the next time I get a rejection to see if it works. I always preferred to think about them in my head and I will give you an example. Let's say I auditioned for the school rugby team and didn't get accepted. I would then think about the time I got accepted onto the football team. This would instantly change my negative dwelling to positive thinking which might motivate me to get better at rugby or maybe focus more on football.
The second article I read is called "A fixed mindset could be holding you back" by Anna Kelsey-Sugg. I found it fascinating to think that "trying to build a child's self-esteem by constantly praising them might actually create a brittle, fragile person." I agree with this statement as when I was a kid and I didn't get what I wanted, I would throw a tantrum. This was because I always got what I wanted by my mam especially as she spoiled me. She would always buy me the latest Xbox game when I asked or would get me treats when I asked so when I didn't get what I wanted, my self-esteem would be severely hurt. I even felt this in some of my early teen years if I was called names by a bully, it would really affect me. I became stronger as a person as I got older through facing a lot of personal upset and pain but I know for some people that doesn't happen and they can spiral and become even more fragile.
I used to be prone to having a fixed mindset and in certain scenarios today I can still adopt that mindset but now I weigh severely on having a growth mindset. There is a quote in the article from Professor Klein which says "You have a certain amount of intelligence and there isn't that much you can do about it." She explains how people of a fixed mindset believe "intelligence and abilities are fixed entities." I used to be a victim of this thinking until I encountered failure and then overcame it. Once I overcame failure, I just started to believe I could over come anything I put my mind to even if it took time. This was because in my own experiences, I realised you need to face setbacks, to then learn about them which is needed to overcome them. The more setbacks I overcame, the stronger the growth mindset became within me. This led to me achieving things I never thought I could do or knew how to do.
There is a quote from Professor Klein in the article which says "you're more likely to think "I built those abilities through a lot of experience and practise and set-backs, and I can build new abilities that way as well". I really agree with this statement as I have seen this in effect for me in my life in recent years. I have built various different abilities within myself in recent years and if anything, it's just made me more hungry to add more abilities to my skill set. I have started to like encountering set-backs in recent years as I have bounced back from so many. I used to react so negatively to things if I didn't understand them and would give up. I now thrive on finding solutions and the feeling of satisfaction you get when finally coming to terms with something that you never understood before.
I think feedback is a crucial part of learning but it has to be the appropriate feedback. There is no point in telling someone that there work is bad because they can't learn anything from that. The better way to approach it could be by saying "this was okay but if you did this, it would make you work better." This then makes people think, "well this wasn't my best work but at least I know where to improve on for next time." The most productive types of feedback I have ever received were the ones that highlighted areas to improve on. This always made me want to learn how to do better in the highlighted areas to bring my work up a notch. The most negative type of feedback I have ever received would have been being told things like "your work isn't good enough" or "Is that the best you can do". This sometimes was a motivator to do better in certain scenarios but in most, it just made me feel bad and worthless.
I had a really bad injury two years ago and rehab was slow. There was stages where I was fed up and wanted to give up but every time I went back to the physiotherapist, he kept me motivated by saying "you're doing well on this part of the exercise but you just need to change this part to get the full benefit of the exercise." This kept me believing that if I performed the exercises the way he was showing me that I would eventually recover. I eventually did recover through hard work, persistence and listening to his feedback. This was a slow process but it made me realise the importance of giving feedback, listening to feedback and reacting to feedback in the right way.
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| "You Have To Fail In Order To Learn" Created by: laurakgibbs Source: creativecommons Changes were not made to this image. License |
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